by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
Hi Dr. Bob,
I’m writing to you in regards to being involved with a married man. Our relationship is more than meant to be and we are aware of this, the only thing that is stopping his divorce is the money. Apparently it will cost alot to get out of his crappy relationship and I find this a poor excuse. We have been together for more than 4 yrs and his wife is clueless. But I’m getting to the point where its always going to be “HER” and not me. What should I do?
My response:
Hello,
In this country, if someone wants something badly enough, money is not an object. A huge part of you knows that his reason is as flimsy as a tent in a hurricane, doesn’t it? It IS an excuse.
It sounds as if he has been dancing on the surface of relationships. I think: “His wife is clueless?” Not much must be happening there! And, even though it may “feel” as if your relationship with him was made in heaven, you know you only get so much and you will NEVER experience the richness and power of a relationship facing the slings and arrows of a life lived in the “real” world.
What do do?
Say good-bye. I sense you are ready to move on and discover a relationship without limits to intimacy.
Don’t hurry saying good-bye. Very seldom do I find someone stopping a relationship cold turkey. Put closure on the relationship. Talk about saying good-bye. Begin setting limits on when you see him. Limits on sex. Limits on calls, e-mails, etc. Firmly say no. “Charge neutral” – a favorite tactic of mine – and let him know it is over.
He may not like it. He may plead. He may manipulate. (From his limited point of view, he thinks he has a pretty good thing going.) Be kindly firm. You may need to say good-bye a number of times.
Grieve. Cry. Feel the loss. Welcome your pain. Allow it to flow through every cell of your body, so you may become free.
Learn. Reflect and ask yourself: “What about me – what personal needs – pulled me into this relationship? Am I comfortable with intimacy? What do I think intimacy truly is? What was I willing to tolerate? Why was I willing to tolerate so much? What are my standards for a truly loving relationship? What did I discover about myself in this relationship? What do I want to learn, try, and experiment with in other relationships? How do I feel about myself being in a relationship bound by secrets and limits? And then, jot down a half dozen other questions you want to ask.
Use this a springboard into a new chapter in your life. Wishing you the best….
About the author: Dr. Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, is a respected Marriage and Family Therapist with over two decades of clinical experience, study and research. He created and maintains the website: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.
