We all shut off intimacy and love at various times in our lives and we often do it unconsciously. We do it by thinking old thoughts and beliefs that sabotage our happiness and keep love away without even realizing that we’re doing it.
In order to have the intimacy, connection and love that you want, we suggest that you recognize what you do to shut it off and that takes looking at your thoughts and what you do as a result of those thoughts.
One of most difficult things to do is stay open when your story of how something or someone should be clashes with someone else’s story of how it should be. You end up shutting off intimacy, connection and love with your behavior–and sometimes it can never be regained.
Here are 17 ways you might react when things don’t go your way…
• You get defensive, react from old patterns and memories and close to your partner.
• You withdraw your energy and your physical body
• You lash out at the other person
• You get controlling
• You become submissive but angry and resentful and your anger may come out later over something else
• You make sarcastic remarks
• You roll your eyes or make faces when your partner speaks
• You say and do things you regret later
• You forget parts of what happened (maybe your part in the conflict)
• You blow what happened out of proportion—making your response more dramatic and intense than the situation warranted
• You assume and you generalize
• You make the other person the enemy in your mind
• You physically walk away or shift your attention to the tv or computer.
• Your physical body pulls back.
• Your chest (or other body part) gets rigid
• Your body language shows your upset
• You avert your eyes.
When someone acts in a way we don’t like (or fails to act), we punish them by shutting our love off in one or more of those ways—but that never solves the problem. We usually end up getting more of the same instead of what we want.
For example–Tom forgets to pick up the toys after his time with the kids and often leaves his clothes on the floor even though he’s agreed to pick up the toys and his clothes. He gets defensive and angry with Monica when she challenges him on his lack of follow-through.
Monica deliberately leaves things on the bottom step because she knows he doesn’t like it–just to get back at him. She rolls her eyes a and walks off when he tries to talk to her and tell her it’s not fair. Nothing gets resolved and they are moving further and further apart with each argument they have about who is right.
If Tom and Monica would realize what they each do that makes their disagreements worse and pushes them further apart, they could stop doing it and open to looking for solutions instead of dwelling on what they are each doing that’s wrong.
The amount of intimacy and love you have in your life is up to you. We invite you to choose love more of the time.
Enjoying a Happier, Easier Relationship