911 Help for Your Intimacy Problems

The injuries and wounds don’t usually show on the outside, but the sense of emergency is strong.

When emotional or sexual intimacy in your love relationship disappears (or has always been weak), it can feel intense, upsetting and even scary.

You aren’t happy with the distance that’s between you and your partner and you’re worried that either: 1) You’ll have to spend the rest of your life in a cold and passionless relationship OR 2) You’ll be forced to end your relationship with this person who you love and is otherwise very important to you.

If there was a crew of relationship EMTs (emergency medical technicians) whom you could call to come to your home and fix the intimacy problems in your relationship, you would!

But, unfortunately, there’s no 911 service for relationships and there’s no ambulance to come racing to your door. There’s just you and your partner….and the disappointment and distance that’s formed between you two.

Why is intimacy important anyway?

If there is a lack of intimacy in your love relationship or marriage, you might try to comfort yourself by saying, “Who needs intimacy? It’s not THAT important!”

• You might rationalize that you and your partner are too old for passion and that the time for kisses and can’t-get-enough-of-each-other has passed.

• You may be a survivor of sexual (or other) abuse and are still aren’t fully comfortable opening up to your partner in this way.
• You and your partner might have very busy lives with children, careers and other responsibilities. When it comes to intimacy, there just doesn’t seem to be time or energy for it.

We understand that intimacy isn’t always easy. But, it’s vital for a healthy and long-lasting relationship.

Intimacy is like a wonderful glue.

No matter what stresses are going on in your lives and regardless of your different interests and activities, you and your partner stay connected because of intimacy. If the “glue” dries up or was never there to begin with, you two will only move in opposite directions and eventually the relationship itself will wither and die.

Intimacy is THAT important.

Identify the root of your intimacy problems.

Do some observing of yourself and your partner and, without blame, try to understand what is at the root of the weak or lacking intimacy in your relationship.

It’s likely that both you and your partner play a role in whatever blocks intimacy. For this reason, it’s helpful to look for not only the obvious “cause,” but also the more subtle and habitual contributors to your intimacy problems too.

For instance, your spouse may hold back when it comes to sharing thoughts and feelings because he was hurt and betrayed in a past relationship. This is only one block to intimacy. Take an honest look at what you usually say or do that may also prevent you and him from connecting in a deep and meaningful way.

Be aware that if you can only find the ways that your partner shuts down or closes out intimacy, you’re probably missing something. Take ownership for your habits and, without blame, talk with your partner about everything that blocks intimacy.

You can use words like, “Because our relationship is so important to me, I want to uncover the ways that we both block intimacy.” This is far more effective than saying, “Why won’t you open up and be more intimate with me?!”

Remember, blame and accusations aren’t going to create an environment that supports intimacy. Especially if your partner has been through traumatic or painful experiences in the past, do what you can to show that it is safe for him or her to open up more deeply to you.

Create a doable intimacy action plan.

The more you can work together to improve intimacy, the better. But, if your partner refuses to talk with you about this, you can still make positive steps toward the level of closeness and re-connection you want.

Come up with an intimacy plan that you will really and truly follow through with.

The plan can change when needed, but try to create something that you and your partner (or just you if your partner isn’t open to this) will stick with for at least 1 month.

Here are some intimacy plan examples…

• “We will set aside every Friday night as date night for just the two of us.”
• “We will give each other sensual back and shoulder massages once a week.”
• “We agree to be honest about how we really feel with one another.”
• “I’ll start writing in my journal to make a clearer distinction between the past and what’s happening now.”
• “I’ll call my therapist to talk about some news ways I can heal and be more sexually open to my partner.”
• “We’ll make an appointment with a relationship coach.”

Your intimacy plan can very simple or even be one with different steps. It is helpful for you to be as specific as possible about what action you (and your partner) will take and, if relevant, how often.

As you follow through with whatever you decide to do, make sure to pay attention to how you feel and to what positive changes you notice between you and your partner.