Red Hot Love Relationships
***QUESTION FROM A READER:
“I wonder why sexual advances that are not mutually desired can cause such negative results. As a woman I feel responsible for providing s*e*x sometimes when it seems animalistic and not compassionate and loving. If my partner wants it (and I usually know instinctually ), I want to know how to avoid conflict if this is not my desire as well. Or. How I can eliminate my guilt if I choose to say no.”>>>OUR COMMENTS:
Whoa!
Sounds like a really emotionally -charged issue for you in your relationship right now.
… and why shouldn’t it be?
We all want to feel we have choice in our lives and in our relationships–especially when it comes to love-making.
When it comes to couples, especially those who have been together for awhile, we are all different and those differences can really show up when it comes to what happens in the bedroom.
After the initial attraction which can (but not necessarily) include a deep, driving lust for one another that trumps everything else–the two people can fall into patterns that have little to do with what they felt in the beginning.
From our research, because most of us have never had “instruction” in the love-making category that goes beyond the basics, we usually fall back on our unconscious
biological patterns after this initial blast of connection.
And these “patterns” can really cause challenges in our relationships (especially in the bedroom.)
Here’s where men and women can be very different…
Researchers say that women’s energy during love-making starts at the head and moves downward.
In other words, she needs to feel connection, trust and loved (to some degree) before she feels in the mood.
His energy during love-making starts–you guessed it–a lot lower and the goal can be to let it rise to his heart area–where both can meet.
Now, of course, this is a really simplistic picture of some of the biological differences between men and women, but what we know is that they can really play havoc in a relationship.
The researchers also say that ultimately men and women want the same thing–emotional connection–during love-making but they go about it a little differently.
Emotional connection for some men can be that “animalistic” kind of s*e*x (because that’s all they know.)
For women, it’s usually not (but can be).
So what do you do when you’ve got this kind of dynamic going on–especially if you are a woman and want to make love with your partner but want it to be your choice and not done out of guilt or just going through the motions to keep him happy?
First, believe it or not, he probably does want to make you happy–even though it seems he just wants to make himself happy.
He just may not know how or know where to start–so he just keeps doing what he’s doing.
Here’s where you come in and where we’ll make a couple of suggestions for you to consider…
First– if we were you– we would challenge the thought or idea that you (just because you’re a woman) are responsible for providing sex for him.
Nonsense.
Lovemaking and sex is not just about giving out of some kind of obligation because you have to.
Where’s your focus, interest and desire for your own pleasure and happiness?
Might we suggest that it might be worth a few minutes to explore and investigate where the thought that–you are responsible for providing sex for him–came from.
Something else that we think would be worth considering is the possibility and importance of separating out the feeling or thought that he’s being “animalistic” and exploring whether he just may be something else instead.
Perhaps–he could just be — too “vigorous” or “overly passionate” for your tastes at times.
We’re not suggesting that he wasn’t coming off as “animalistic.”
What we’re suggesting is that It might be worth trying out in your own mind which of these could be as true or truer for you if you really thought about it.
No matter which of these words more aptly describes your sexual relationship with him at times, it sounds like there are times when you want something much different from your lovemaking than you’re getting.
What’s great about this is–you’re paying attention to you.
You’re paying attention to what you want and what would feel good to you.
We’re not suggesting that he should cave in to your every wish or desire but what we would suggest you do is this…
Invite him to slow down–and we do mean invite him. Tell him that you’d love to experience some new things with him–and invite him to a “touching only” time together. Maybe 15 minutes to start out.
And then start making more connections with him. Connect not only during this “touch” session but do some things to connect with him throughout the day. Email him or text message him. Invite him to learn some new ways of love-making and we’re not talking “positions” here.
Does this sound like we’re putting all the responsibility on to you–as the woman?
No–it just means that if you want something to change in your relationship with your partner, you have to make some changes too.
Does this approach eliminate your “choice”?
Of course not. In fact, you’ll have more choice.
If you start moving in the direction of an invitation, the two of you will have more tools and a deeper understanding of one another so that when one of you doesn’t feel like making love, you can set a time for intimacy that feels better for both of you.
You can also just say NO.
We invite both of you to open to more love and compassion in your relationship by deepening your intimacy.
We invite you to experience more love.
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Enjoying a Happier, Easier Relationship