When Kelly and Jeff became a couple, they each brought unique things to their relationship. Kelly is a massage therapist and enjoys easing the tight spots from Jeff’s shoulders after a long day at work. Jeff is a professional chef and never tires of creating delicious culinary surprises for Kelly each night for dinner.
They didn’t fall in love with one another because of these skills, but they each very much enjoy the other’s specialty.
Both Kelly and Jeff also brought to their relationship a desire for closeness, intimacy and trust. Neither of them is willing to repeat the painful mistakes of the past and they are committed to doing things differently this time.
What about your love relationship or marriage?
What are the skills, qualities, talents and other things that you and your partner have that contribute to what you share together? Much of what you’ve each brought to your relationship is beneficial and allows you to create the kind of love and connection you desire.
What you might not be aware of is one other thing you may also have brought to your relationship. You probably didn’t intend to bring this thing along and you don’t want to bring it along, but it’s there and it’s killing connection and intimacy.
We’re talking about judgment.
It’s difficult to avoid– in a love relationship or marriage and in any relationship at all– each person’s judgments come along with the person. You might believe that you are the most accepting and non-judgmental person in the world.
Maybe you are, but it’s likely that you’re not.
Whether it’s partner’s words, habits, background, appearance or anything else, there are probably a whole host of things about which you might feel judgmental.
It could be the way that your love slurps his tea. It might be how your wife micro-manages your kids’ and your lives. It may be the strange sense of humor that your partner thinks is so hilarious, but you just don’t get.
If you’re aware of the judgments running through your mind, you might try to bite your tongue, but they seep out anyway– as advice your partner didn’t ask for, comments you whisper to other people, sarcastic jokes or outright condemnations.
Your judgments are most likely NOT going to change your partner and his or her choices and they WILL drive a wedge between the two of you.
Being judgmental is a common human habit. Unfortunately, if you pretend it’s not there or if you try to justify it, intimacy and your connection will suffer.
Are all judgments bad?
Please don’t misunderstand us…
We ALL make judgments ALL of the time. When you decide to call a cab to get home from the bar because you’re tipsy, that’s a judgment. When you put cooler water in your bath so that you don’t scald your skin, that’s a judgment. When you choose to purchase the shoes that are on sale to stay in your budget, that’s a judgment
Judgments aren’t necessarily bad or wrong.
What you DO with your judgments is where the trouble can begin in your relationship.
Judgments are kind of like preferences and they link up with personal morals and ethics. They make sense to us and are usually important to us. When others look, sound or do things differently, this can seem like a violation of our “rules” for how we think things are supposed to be.
Everyone has to decide for him or herself how open to be to differences. There are some differences that cross a boundary and that indicate that it’s unwise to be in an intimate relationship together.
Most of the time, however, we make judgments about things that do not cross a strong boundary. We get all worked up in a state of disapproval and indignation when the behavior is not hurting anybody and is actually none of our business. It’s not a big deal, but we make it into one.
These are the judgments that happen most frequently and that is when disconnection and distance set in and damage the relationship.
Know your business.
Do yourself, your partner and your relationship a favor and start a new habit. Learn the difference between your business and not-your-business. Learn when to leave the judgments out of your relationship.
By all means, affirm to yourself what you believe in, what your priorities are and how you want to live your life AND remind yourself that your partner deserves the freedom to choose all of those things for him or herself too.
When you feel resistant to or even put off by something your partner says or does, honor how you feel AND ask yourself if this is your business. If it isn’t, then let it go.
If whatever happened or is happening IS your business and does directly affect you, sit down with your partner and have an honest yet open-minded talk. Really listen with the intention to understand and look for areas of overlap between what you each prefer.
That is the space where a resolution to the conflict lies and that is the space where intimacy and connection are enhanced.
Enjoying a Happier, Easier Relationship