Life, marriage, and relationships and can be so incredible, and yet at times, can be so frustrating.
Sometimes we’re faced with situations that we’re really not so sure how to handle but we do the best we can.We face all kinds of temptations in our lives and our relationships on a daily basis that, if acted upon, would feel so good but be so bad for our marriage.
If you’re human, we all have ways of acting that can ruin relationships and the problem is that even though we may NOT want to fall into those habits, we’re tempted to do it anyway.
And the crazy thing is, we do them over and over again and then wonder why our relationship or marriage is in the shape it is in….
Here are a few of those ways…
1.By Playing the “Gotcha” game
The “Gotcha” game is when the two of you try to prove each other wrong and yourselves right. It’s a struggle for control.
This game results in both of you withdrawing from each other–either after escalating, angry words or superior, sarcastic, cutting remarks. You end up punishing each other in stony silence that may last for hours, days or weeks.
It’s really tempting to keep playing the “Gotcha” game because it just feels so good to be right and it can feel good to make someone else wrong, even if it’s someone you love.
2. Getting caught in the negative story
We all love drama and the negative story can be much more exciting to live in rather than a positive one–even if it kills our relationships.
When you relive the negative story–over and over–you get attention, sympathy, and the validation of “Yes, I did have it bad.”
Your negative story can be your “default” position–what you resort to when you perceive things aren’t going so well.
And it can be tempting to get your needs met that way–but it never quite works out the way you think.
3. Taking each other for granted
It can be very tempting to take your partner for granted in part, because our culture says it’s normal in a long-term relationship.
It can be very tempting to excuse your bad behavior by justifying it like we once heard a woman say–
“I can treat him like that–He’s my husband.”
4. Physically or emotionally leaving
It could be having affairs, flirting with other people, or choosing to shut down instead of engage.
Whatever way your leaving takes form, it certainly can drive a wedge between you and your partner.
Okay, so why are we tempted even though we know our actions aren’t good for our relationship?
We do it out of habit.
We do it because this behavior feels familiar and because it feels comfortable in a weird sort of way.
We do it because doing something else may seem scary and uncertain even though our normal behavior produces the same negative result again and again.
So what can you do to not be tempted into these familiar actions that can cause so much havoc in your relationships?
First…
Identify the behaviors that you repeatedly do that ruin your relationship and take a look at how you are tempted to fall right back into that hole.
It might be specific situations that throw you into temptation.It might be specific actions of other people that trigger you.
Whatever they are, write them down so you can become aware of what takes you down that dangerous path.
Next…
Keep in mind what you want above all else and question your urge to act in old, unhealthy ways.
If you want a relationship that is filled with love, remember that that is what you want. Interrupt your pattern and ask yourself if what you’re about to do will take you closer to or further from what you want.
You’ll also want to…
Do the things that will take you closer to what you want and in the direction you want to go.
Learn how to communicate to ask for what you want instead of complaining about what you want but don’t get.
In your mind, exchange “Poor me” with “How can I?”
If you’re not being treated the way you want, it all starts with you and how you treat yourself–and this starts with what you say to yourself.
If you repeatedly focus on what’s wrong, how bad you’ve had it or have it–or if you make yourself wrong at every step of the way…
The results in your life won’t change.
Having more love and a better life starts with you and with asking the question “How can I?” with curiosity.
It starts with empowering yourself into right action instead of your habitual action.
Don’t be tempted to keep doing what hasn’t worked in the past.
Take the courage to try some different ways to move toward what you want.
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