The last few months, as we’ve been focused on writing about building trust, one thing is very clear…We all either build trust or tear it down in every moment we are together with another person.
We do it with our words, actions, and non-verbally. Our physical bodies show whether we trust someone or not–and if we are trustable or not.
If you want a close, connected, loving relationship, it’s no surprise that trust has to be part of its foundation.
But the truth is that many people have a tough time opening themselves to trust, especially if they’ve been hurt in the past and others struggle with allowing themselves to act in ways that allow others to trust them.
Learning to trust and be trusted comes down to having the desire to do it, being willing to shift from old beliefs, and practicing ways that will bring you closer to what you want.
One of the ways that we’ve been practicing in our relationship is what we call “noticing what’s different.”
Here’s a practical example…
By his own admission, Otto is not “Mr. Fix-it” and if you’ve been getting our newsletters for awhile, it’s something we’ve talked about before.
A few days ago, he poured food down the garbage disposal and it clogged up so he decided to take it apart to “unclog” it. The problem was that after he cleaned it out, it wouldn’t work. He called Michael who is a “Mr. Fix-it” and he told Otto about the reset button.
Now, earlier in our relationship, this kind of “home repair” would have been a big deal and Otto would have felt bad about himself for not knowing how to “fix” the appliance.
It could even have created a disconnection between the two of us.
But this time, it was different and we even had a good laugh about it.
It was different because Otto had made a huge shift around his expectations and beliefs about himself–and we both noticed the difference.
That’s one way trust is built or rebuilt and relationships grow–
Notice what’s different.
The fact is that we and our loved ones are always changing and we don’t always notice or comment on those changes.
When you don’t pay attention to what’s different, you can lose your connection–with yourself and with others. The idea is to notice what’s different and whether the difference is taking you further from or toward what you want–not only in your partner but in yourself.
What do you do with this information once you notice it?
If you’re trying to rebuild trust after it’s been broken, it’s really important to notice changes, no matter how small.
So often, one or both people are so focused on what happened in the past to break trust that they miss what’s happening in the present moment that may be taking a small or not so small step toward connection and love.
Even if trust hasn’t been broken on a major scale, we often miss noticing when “good” things happen in our relationships. We miss the opportunity to celebrate them.
What if what we notice in ourselves or others is taking us further from what we want?
If it’s not what you want, should you talk about what you notice?
If you want a deep connection with the other person, we say a big “yes.”
If your noticing is about yourself, then sharing that information helps the other person to know who you truly are.
That’s really what connection is about, isn’t it?
If the two of you have trouble communicating and your noticing is about something that he or she is doing or not doing that is creating disconnection between you, you’ll want to speak in a way that doesn’t shut down both of you.
Go ahead and say what you are noticing and be open to listening to the other person to find out more about the situation instead of blaming.
A simple but powerful shift!
You may not consider what you are saying blaming or criticizing but the other person may so if the person is open, listen to find out what may be going on with him or her.
Something like this…
“I notice that we don’t seem to be having fun like we used to together and I miss those times. Do you notice the same thing and why do you think this is happening?”
Or you may have noticed the same negative thing happening over and over, you comment on it and nothing changes. You may be accused of nagging or being controlling because of it.
If you’re in this kind of situation, you have to back up and notice what’s happening between you and look for an opening for connection instead of going over and over the same territory that up until now hasn’t changed.
Noticing is a powerful way to create your life and your relationships the way you want them.
When you focus on what you want in your relationships and notice when you see even a glimmer of it, you are taking a very real step toward it.
We’re not saying to ignore what’s missing or what’s not there. We’re just saying to “feed” getting what you want by paying attention when it comes your way. It’s all just information–information for creating all the love, connection and joy that you want in your life and your relationships.
Need a trust turnaround? For a free email mini course on building trust after infidelity or after it’s been broken, visit http://www.RelationshipTrust. com
**********************